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Posts Tagged ‘guilt’

November 9, 2008 – Further Insights and Final Cleansing Of Past Issues

Sun Setting on the Past

Sun Setting on the Past

The process continues…(Please read the previous post if you have not already done so to understand this one)…it is now the next day and have had many more insights – some I will keep for my private journals, but will share enough to allow others to gain insights from this as well.

This morning came a full disclosure to myself. What was revealed to me after 23 years of being completely unaware of these feelings and issues! Really full understanding of what I haven’t admitted to myself all these years. I would have wanted more than anything else to have stayed married – but I was not given the opportunity or option. Instead of working WITH me to help me at the time I most needed it, he did everything possible to push me further and further away. The person I had taken care of so lovingly for over 20 years, who I had never asked anything of – attuning myself to his needs in all things – had deserted me in my time of deepest need. Cruelly pushing me away in every way possible when he should have been protecting and cherishing me – helping me to move through my Dark Night. While I desperately clung to hope as a drowning victim does to a life raft, he pulled this from my grip as well, leaving me to go under along – slowly sinking. I was forced to rip apart a family which would never fully recover the wounds inflicted on it – as a unit and as individuals.

I am sure I could have gotten to the same place in my life that I am today WITHOUT having to break up my home, if he had only been willing and able to work along with me for a few years until I found my path. I COULD have done it differently if I had been given the opportunity. And I now know that this frustration, so long repressed was what caused this anger to well up in me after being held back by illusion for so many years. . This realization is a cause for profound sadness and grief– but I will move forward. What’s done is done and there is a reason for this as well. That reason is still to be discovered! I will do my best to be patient but I joyfully look forward to finding out what it is!

It is important to understand that I am not seeking to “place blame”, for there is no place for that in our lives. Just coming to terms with these hidden issues, and releasing them, is all that is necessary. And I have done that completely…feeling light and at peace with myself and everyone else connected with these issues. It is a true blessing!

There will be one more post with a truly lovely dream which reflects this final cleansing on all levels, but will leave that for a separate post.

Love
Jane

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November 8, 2008 – The Day Following My First AHA as described in the Previous Post

Dawning of a New Day

Dawning of a New Day

I had spent the greater part of the day and part of the night agonizing over my having to deal with those past issues described in the previous post, and how I would go about doing it. Before falling into a fitful sleep I asked for help – for some message – and what you find below was lovingly given to me in the form of a dream.

Woke from a clear powerful dream I can still feel:

I was “deposited” in a familiar place along the water, a settlement of low lying houses on the sand, and only I was gently placed by “someone” with a toddler in arms, in a much higher up house overlooking the scene below. My possessions were all left below as well.

At the end, of the dream, after an enormous wave had flooded everything below, many loving “people” were with me comforting me and telling me all is well. Only good has happened. All is clean and healthy the way it should be, saying it was amazing to be lifted up so high to safety by a loving invisible force and gently held there before the danger began and then deposited back on y terrace out of harm’s way.

More details and My understanding:
I went back to the “old place”. Had a toddler with me who I was responsible for keeping safe (which I realized was ME). I was back in the past where it all began – Gush Katif feeling to the place I found myself in during the dream. Many nice people around me. But everyone was on low ground, at sea level. Only me and my charge (ME) were placed up on high ground overlooking the scene below. We left all of our possessions – things from the past – below, waiting to bring them up to our new place later. I left “me” upstairs and went down to start picking up things to take back with me when I was lifted up by some strange natural force to the height of 27 meters (yes – exactly 27 meters – the meaning of this becoming clear a few days later when I spoke to a friend about the number) and placed back on the terrace of my new place with ME. And then a huge wave came – like a Tsunami – and we rushed into safte, but the wave came up to just below where we were, and then receded.

The toddler ME was terrified. I wanted to just go to the edge of the terrace to look. I forced ME, carrying ME gently in my arms to come see what was left. We saw an amazing scene. Everything was exactly as before, but completely fresh and clean and on the distant waves, which had receded far out – we could see all the items we had left below floating away out of reach.

I have been given the go ahead. I can go back – feel myself as I was then at the time – feel all my feelings (many of which were described in the previous post) but knowing I will be lovingly cared for during the whole process. No matter how frightening, I will be kept safe, no harm will come to me during the process. And then, in one swoop, at the proper moment, all things remaining of the past will be washed clean, leaving all the good things intact as memories. I have no reason to fear going back and dealing with the things that need to be taken care of after so many years!

I must deal with myself with compassion, but this is a place I must go now. It is an opportunity presented to me and I must take advantage of it!

I was given a child to hold – not because I was a child at the time – although in many ways I was LIKE a child – innocent and naïve, very little life experience, and beginning a whole new life from the beginning – – was given the child to hold to remind me to care for myself as I would a lost frightened child. With tenderness, gently, slowly, understandingly, compassionately and with much loving understanding and acceptance.

Love
Jane

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To all those who have been wondering where I’ve disappeared to, and to those of you who know I am in India “recharging”…but still perhaps wondering why I haven’t posted anything lately…well, let me clear things up.

For the last couple of months before leaving for India, I had many insights for posts for this blog having to do with the question of “fear vs. faith”, taking our blessings for granted, additional Reiki stories etc…but never seemed to be able to find the energies to sit down at the computer. But I figured I’d have plenty of time in India and so did not feel pressured.
But since I’ve gotten here, I have done NONE of things I imagined I would (but this is generally what happens in India…things just “happen”…generally quite differently than you imagined…and you flow with them…it’s the beauty of being here).

But NOT doing these things I felt I “had to”, was really getting me down, and feeling guilty, and not pleased with myself. Thinking what my subscribers must be thinking of me, thinking how I am letting people down etc. And yet I still could not get to “doing”…so I asked for guidance, as I very often do. Yesterday,I bought a couple of new decks of cards as you might know if you read my other blog, and last night, before going to sleep, after consecrating and preparing the decks, I decided to try my new “Messages from your Angels” deck.

The first card that came up had the following message which has completely released me from guilt and the “must do” feeling…I will cherish each day of the last few weeks I have here and , as always, am blessed in many ways to be so lovingly guided at each step along the way

“Time out! You’ve been so busy taking care of everyone else’s needs, but now it’s time to stop and take care of yourself”

and the continuing message reads:
“Dear one, you’ve been working very hard! You’re very tired now, yet you keep pushing yourself to work more, more, more! I am here to firmly and lovingly take your hand, and tell you to “stop!” Cease working for a moment and take a respite. You have certainly earned it, and you will be more efficient and productive after taking this rest.

You give so much to others that at times like this you become unbalanced. Your inner child yearns for nurturing, and no one is going to give you that loving care but yourself and the angels. So, give yourself permission to take a much-needed time-out. Please don’t delay this guidance. We assure you that your responsibilities will all be met, and you will gather new energy and ideas during your time-out. “

So, the message is absolutely clear, and I WILL listen carefully to it and devote the rest of my time here ENTIRELY to me.

Love and light to all
Jane

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