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Posts Tagged ‘Grieving/Loss’

Understanding Loss – Part 3 – An Exercise in Remembering, Forgiving and Release

I have been doing much work going through this process mentioned in the two previous posts here from India, and find that most of my insights are much too personal for me to easily share them.  Much is painful, much is insightful leading to understanding which in turn leads to forgiveness and release, and this is extremely cathartic. I would like to share one of the exercises I have been guided to do, and which I found extremely cleansing, as long as I was completely honest with myself in performing the exercise.  Meaning, no expectations, no preconceived idea about the outcome,etc.  Total honesty.  This is not as easy as it sounds and I found myself stopping myself several times to get back to the place of honesty before continuing.

It is actually fairly simple sounding to do.  But a very good way of releasing lingering negativity regarding loved ones who have passed over.   As the passing which prompted the process in the first place was that of my mother, I began the exercise with her, but soon found myself working with my father as well.

Simply go back into your memory “bank”, looking for the earliest “deposits” you can find, and see how many pleasant and joyful recollections you have and how many unpleasant or painful ones you have in regard to the person you are working with at the moment. At first it may seem one sided, in either direction.  Do not judge or take things personally.  Do your best to be objective about what you are reliving. Ever so slowly, more and more “deposits” will surface, each becoming more and more clear and detailed.  This maybe be painful, may cause you anger or regret, may be joyful, may even be surprising…just let it all flow. Try not to “be” yourself as the child you were in each memory (or even adult-doesn’t matter), but rather see each event unfold as an impartial observer.When you feel there are no more memories left in the “bank” to review, simply ask that all be released back to the Universe as energies of love and light, send unconditional love to the person who has passed, as well as to yourself, and feel the deep sense of lightness this process has given you…cleansing, forgiveness and closure.

I am completely surprised at how the process has been working for me, especially at the intensity of the memories once they began to reveal themselves.  Also surprised at the types of memories which arose.  At first, the most powerful ones were kind of what I expected to find when dealing with a particular person, but slowly, the expectations became less, as did the preconceptions, and many other types of memories surfaced.  This is why I ask you to at least try to commence this exercise from a place of neutrality and non-judgement, with no expectations, if at all possible.

I’d love to hear from anyone who decides to try this…I am finding it extremely interesting as I continue working with it, and find it bringing me lovely feelings of release and lightness.

With love light and JOY

Jane

 

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UNDERSTANDING LOSS

 

This has been an extremely difficult year for me, beginning with my early return from India in January.  I felt increasingly burdened, heavy, seemed to have lost my”light” and my “lightness”, and not really understanding why or how to move past it.

It wasn’t until today, a full 11 months after my return home from India that I had my AHA! Moment and figured it out.  And like all of these magical moments, it came to me during a powerful prayer and meditation session.

Without realizing it, I have been living through a year filled with great loss, and not only have I not honestly grieved for it, I had not understood that personal loss requires us to redefine ourselves and our purpose, our being, in the new placed, the new reality, we find ourselves in AFTER our loss.

And for me, again without realizing it, I have been through TWO intense losses within the same 6 month period – something which obviously is not simple. Or easy to come to terms with.

Finding myself moving along with “life as usual” after both losses, I imagined I had done just that, while in effect I had simply ignored the need for grieving, burying it in a “safe” place inside and feeling that all was well with me and my world, seeing as how I was coping so well.

Turns out, I was not coping at all, just living in denial, and it was taking its toll on my.  I never realized that the enormous heaviness I was feeling, the lack of energy, was due to the fact that I was physically carrying these losses with me, rather than releasing them in healthy ways.

I lost my mother this past year, and was stunned by the impact on me of her loss.  Since it is only in the past 10 years that I have any sort of loving relationship with my mother, I honestly did not think I would “miss” her.  Turns out, I miss her every day, in many subtle ways.  This took me my surprise completely.  The fact that I also lost my role as someone’s child, in effect becoming an orphan (as my father had already passed several years ago), I lost another part of “who I am” when I lost my mother.

In addition, I both found (for the first time) and lost, a true love.  I will not go into details but will simply say that everything I ever imagined, everything I ever prayed for, manifested,  and understood true love to be, was what I found in this short-lived relationship, and loosing it had a much deeper effect on me than I realized until just this morning. And once again, there was no grieving, just moving forward, adding another weight to the heaviness already inside of me.

Since I have arrived in India, just a little over a week ago,  these well buried “treasures” have been slowly seeping out of their hiding places , begging to be relasesd, but my still not “getting it”.

When in India, my Mother would always send me a daily e-mail, and I found myself sad, disappointed, even angry, that whenever I checked my mail at the internet café, this was not waiting for me. And all of my well-meaning friends here have been asking about my love, this wonderful man they had heard about, only to be told it is a story I would rather not talk about, and tears, ending the conversations. I was completely taken by surprise at these feelings of grief and grieving that arose in me.

What I realized this morning, the AHA! Which was Divinely and lovingly sent to me, was that this is the purpose of my stay here this time.  To process these losses, to release them in a true and proper grieving, to allow myself the luxury of feeling and crying and then moving into my new reality once again, lighter, and full of light.

At the end of the meditation, something else was “returned” to me after a whole year of being absent – my voice! Let me explain – there is a beautiful chant which I began repeating at the end of each meditation about 2 years ago, it is in Hebrew and I learned it from a teacher, Naomi, who taught me the beauties of Hatmara.  Loosely translated it means:  “I am light, love and joy” and it is sung in a haunting, deeply moving melody.  Every morning, while chanting this outloud, in full voice (it is the ONLY thing ever in my life which I could sing on tune), I was filled with enormous amounts of light, love and joy to move with me through each day. I have not been able to chant this since the day my mother passed away!!  I tried many times but the voice was not there…I could not sing/chant, these loving words outloud, or even say them silently.

This morning, I found my voice once again, and after a chanting, my eyes releasing great tears of joy throughout, I had a new sense of well-being and “rightness”  for the first time in  so long

I have  now understood that this is  a process with more than one step…an ongoing process, which, among other things, requires me to redefine myself in my new reality.

Accept the new reality, release ALL feelings,-including the “not nice” ones which, among others, include anger-and then joyfully move forward.

I sit here now with a new sense of contentment – now ready to begin the work of acceptance and self-definiton with a joyful heart.

I am truly blessed

Jane

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