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December 31, 2010 – India – Understanding Loss Part 2

The days move along and although the weather here has turned from clear to cloudy, my own inner “weather” is getting brighter and clearer with each day.  I woke up very early this morning from an intense dream sequence, with the following insight and further clarity into the issue of redefining myself after loss.

Just an aside here…I also realized that in addition to the losses mentioned in the previous post, there was another situation of loss over that short 6 month period, one no less cutting and painful than the loss of my Mother or my love.  I had traveled back to the States after a 37 year absence, never expecting to find the intense emotional upheaval which was the result of this visit.  What I understood during my visit, was that I had lost something over all those years which I had never considered as something that COULD be lost, because I never thought of my life with, or without it.  I was content with my family and friends in my new country and never once regretted having left home for a foreign land.

But it seems as if this was a mistake.  I realized while there, and am now feeling the effects months later, that when I chose to leave the States, what I lost was my original family!!  Dear cousins. Aunts and uncles, who were always an intense part of my life while I lived there, even though I never realized it.  And of course rediscovery of  a beautiful sibling relationship was no less powerful.  This loss is something which can never be recovered, and the deep pain I feel inside at realizing this, is something which I doubt I will ever come to terms with.  I spent deeply rewarding and beautiful hours, as well as deeply painful ones, with a few very special people there who know who they are, rediscovering myself, and even discovering for the first times parts of self.  And now having reconnected with this “original family” , I find myself feeling the loss of it every single day.

And now back to this morning.  My phone is still not working but I am sure this is part of the plan. Instead of talking to people and making plans for visiting, taking trips, etc., in addition to the overcast weather, it is easier for me to move inward and begin working there. I am not completely at peace with this idea right now and have been wondering for the past couple of days what I am afraid of finding there. I have asked in my prayers and meditation over the past couple of days to be able to release any fears I have regarding this process as well as expectations as to how it will move forward. Just allow it to flow.  The overcast weather puts a further damper on my spirits but again is an incentive to stay close to home and go inward.

And then the insights of this morning…regarding redefining roles with the death of parents.  When our parents are gone, WE become the family “elder”.  We have to be careful not to allow this to color the way we picture ourselves.

Let me explain:  I do not become suddenly “old” because I become and “elder”. My Indian friend reminded me of this yesterday. I was sitting at her house feeling really down and said “ I feel like an old lady this trip – tired, no energy, etc.”  She said that when our parents are alive we can still feel young but when they are gone we begin to “be old”.  It was a very clever thing to say and a wake up call for me to really begin thinking about what thoughts I have been having, what I have been saying verbally, without realizing it, and how deeply they have been effecting me on all levels, including physical!  Just more food for thought along the way.

I realized that I need to get back in touch with my free spirit, with the child inside me.  It is still there, still alive.  It did not die along with my Mother! I have a lot of work to do and believe the panchakarma, which I begin on Monday, will help in this process as well.

And then I gratefully began my morning meditation, which revealed further issues…the things I was afraid of discovering…the emotions and feelings which I do not like to believe I am capable of:  And what surfaced were feelings of anger, guilt and deep sadness, as well as regret.  I called upon Archangel Michael, who is a powerful remover of negativity, to do a cleansing both inside me on all levels, as well as in my aura, to remove all of these negative emotions, wherever they may be blocked, and any others that I may not be aware of,  to release them back as energies of love and light and then to fill me with pure white light of love, joy, healing, and contentment and to help me move forward in complete freedom from fear..

I am feeling lighter and less troubled as I sit and write this, and grateful for all the love and blessings I receive each and every day.

With love light and JOY

Jane

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A few months ago I made a decision that the time had come for me to attend a silent retreat. But there were all kinds of “conditions” I felt were necessary to make it suitable for me, and knew I just had to wait until the right retreat found its way to me. I checked periodically on the internet, but there was always something “wrong”…the type of retreat, the participants, the location, the weather, etc. And then one day, “ chance”, I found something which seemed just like what I was looking for, the location was perfect, the price right, the participants seemed compatible and of course when I read the story of the person running the retreat, I knew I had to attend. You can read more about the retreat, the idea of “Hatmara-Merkava”, and the woman who is the person “in charge” of it all. Her name is Naomi Feinberg and her story is simply amazing. You can read about her and the development of “Hatmara” on her website, in both Hebrew and English at the links below. The English is not very good, but if you read just her story, you will understand I think what drew me to the retreat in the first place.

http://www.hatmara.org/

http://www.hatmara.org/person.htm About Naomi-English

http://www.akatar.com/HatmaraINDEX.htm Hebrew

http://www.akatar.com/Hatmara_noami.htm About Naomi-Hebrew

I will not go into any details of the amazing days I spent there, but will say that since I began integrating Hatmara into my daily practice, my day in general, and combining it with my work with Reiki on all levels, amazing things have been opening up for me. (more…)

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