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Archive for the ‘Hatmara’ Category

 

UNDERSTANDING LOSS

 

This has been an extremely difficult year for me, beginning with my early return from India in January.  I felt increasingly burdened, heavy, seemed to have lost my”light” and my “lightness”, and not really understanding why or how to move past it.

It wasn’t until today, a full 11 months after my return home from India that I had my AHA! Moment and figured it out.  And like all of these magical moments, it came to me during a powerful prayer and meditation session.

Without realizing it, I have been living through a year filled with great loss, and not only have I not honestly grieved for it, I had not understood that personal loss requires us to redefine ourselves and our purpose, our being, in the new placed, the new reality, we find ourselves in AFTER our loss.

And for me, again without realizing it, I have been through TWO intense losses within the same 6 month period – something which obviously is not simple. Or easy to come to terms with.

Finding myself moving along with “life as usual” after both losses, I imagined I had done just that, while in effect I had simply ignored the need for grieving, burying it in a “safe” place inside and feeling that all was well with me and my world, seeing as how I was coping so well.

Turns out, I was not coping at all, just living in denial, and it was taking its toll on my.  I never realized that the enormous heaviness I was feeling, the lack of energy, was due to the fact that I was physically carrying these losses with me, rather than releasing them in healthy ways.

I lost my mother this past year, and was stunned by the impact on me of her loss.  Since it is only in the past 10 years that I have any sort of loving relationship with my mother, I honestly did not think I would “miss” her.  Turns out, I miss her every day, in many subtle ways.  This took me my surprise completely.  The fact that I also lost my role as someone’s child, in effect becoming an orphan (as my father had already passed several years ago), I lost another part of “who I am” when I lost my mother.

In addition, I both found (for the first time) and lost, a true love.  I will not go into details but will simply say that everything I ever imagined, everything I ever prayed for, manifested,  and understood true love to be, was what I found in this short-lived relationship, and loosing it had a much deeper effect on me than I realized until just this morning. And once again, there was no grieving, just moving forward, adding another weight to the heaviness already inside of me.

Since I have arrived in India, just a little over a week ago,  these well buried “treasures” have been slowly seeping out of their hiding places , begging to be relasesd, but my still not “getting it”.

When in India, my Mother would always send me a daily e-mail, and I found myself sad, disappointed, even angry, that whenever I checked my mail at the internet café, this was not waiting for me. And all of my well-meaning friends here have been asking about my love, this wonderful man they had heard about, only to be told it is a story I would rather not talk about, and tears, ending the conversations. I was completely taken by surprise at these feelings of grief and grieving that arose in me.

What I realized this morning, the AHA! Which was Divinely and lovingly sent to me, was that this is the purpose of my stay here this time.  To process these losses, to release them in a true and proper grieving, to allow myself the luxury of feeling and crying and then moving into my new reality once again, lighter, and full of light.

At the end of the meditation, something else was “returned” to me after a whole year of being absent – my voice! Let me explain – there is a beautiful chant which I began repeating at the end of each meditation about 2 years ago, it is in Hebrew and I learned it from a teacher, Naomi, who taught me the beauties of Hatmara.  Loosely translated it means:  “I am light, love and joy” and it is sung in a haunting, deeply moving melody.  Every morning, while chanting this outloud, in full voice (it is the ONLY thing ever in my life which I could sing on tune), I was filled with enormous amounts of light, love and joy to move with me through each day. I have not been able to chant this since the day my mother passed away!!  I tried many times but the voice was not there…I could not sing/chant, these loving words outloud, or even say them silently.

This morning, I found my voice once again, and after a chanting, my eyes releasing great tears of joy throughout, I had a new sense of well-being and “rightness”  for the first time in  so long

I have  now understood that this is  a process with more than one step…an ongoing process, which, among other things, requires me to redefine myself in my new reality.

Accept the new reality, release ALL feelings,-including the “not nice” ones which, among others, include anger-and then joyfully move forward.

I sit here now with a new sense of contentment – now ready to begin the work of acceptance and self-definiton with a joyful heart.

I am truly blessed

Jane

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A few months ago I made a decision that the time had come for me to attend a silent retreat. But there were all kinds of “conditions” I felt were necessary to make it suitable for me, and knew I just had to wait until the right retreat found its way to me. I checked periodically on the internet, but there was always something “wrong”…the type of retreat, the participants, the location, the weather, etc. And then one day, “ chance”, I found something which seemed just like what I was looking for, the location was perfect, the price right, the participants seemed compatible and of course when I read the story of the person running the retreat, I knew I had to attend. You can read more about the retreat, the idea of “Hatmara-Merkava”, and the woman who is the person “in charge” of it all. Her name is Naomi Feinberg and her story is simply amazing. You can read about her and the development of “Hatmara” on her website, in both Hebrew and English at the links below. The English is not very good, but if you read just her story, you will understand I think what drew me to the retreat in the first place.

http://www.hatmara.org/

http://www.hatmara.org/person.htm About Naomi-English

http://www.akatar.com/HatmaraINDEX.htm Hebrew

http://www.akatar.com/Hatmara_noami.htm About Naomi-Hebrew

I will not go into any details of the amazing days I spent there, but will say that since I began integrating Hatmara into my daily practice, my day in general, and combining it with my work with Reiki on all levels, amazing things have been opening up for me. (more…)

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While beginning the planning of my next sojourn in India, I realized that regular readers of my blogs must be under the impression that nothing inspirational, thought provoking or exciting happens to me when I am back in Israel!

Well, the opposite is true. Every single day is an amazing adventure, a mystery waiting to unfold in amazing and quite surprising ways, full of synchronicities, messages and blessings. The reason I do so little posting while in Israel, is simply that I have less time to dedicate to my blog and so these articles, which are just waiting to be posted, accumulate in my notebook and in my head to the point where I don’t know where to begin first…right now there are AT LEAST 4 I would like to share with you. I will begin with the current place in my life and work my way back, but the posts will deal with the following which start from the most recent and work their way back:

1. My moving to a new flat
2. The story of my teaching Reiki to someone from Moscow who found me on the internet!
3. The Retreat I went to “by chance”, meeting my Guides and the messages channeled to me.
4. The Passing of my dear friend Abdellah
5. The idea of “Fear and Faith…you can’t have both”

And of course all the subsequent messages and lessons learnt from each of the above.

Soooo….let’s begin with the “simple” fact that I am moving to a new flat in a month’s time! (more…)

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