November 9, 2008 – Further Insights and Final Cleansing Of Past Issues
The process continues…(Please read the previous post if you have not already done so to understand this one)…it is now the next day and have had many more insights – some I will keep for my private journals, but will share enough to allow others to gain insights from this as well.
This morning came a full disclosure to myself. What was revealed to me after 23 years of being completely unaware of these feelings and issues! Really full understanding of what I haven’t admitted to myself all these years. I would have wanted more than anything else to have stayed married – but I was not given the opportunity or option. Instead of working WITH me to help me at the time I most needed it, he did everything possible to push me further and further away. The person I had taken care of so lovingly for over 20 years, who I had never asked anything of – attuning myself to his needs in all things – had deserted me in my time of deepest need. Cruelly pushing me away in every way possible when he should have been protecting and cherishing me – helping me to move through my Dark Night. While I desperately clung to hope as a drowning victim does to a life raft, he pulled this from my grip as well, leaving me to go under along – slowly sinking. I was forced to rip apart a family which would never fully recover the wounds inflicted on it – as a unit and as individuals.
I am sure I could have gotten to the same place in my life that I am today WITHOUT having to break up my home, if he had only been willing and able to work along with me for a few years until I found my path. I COULD have done it differently if I had been given the opportunity. And I now know that this frustration, so long repressed was what caused this anger to well up in me after being held back by illusion for so many years. . This realization is a cause for profound sadness and grief– but I will move forward. What’s done is done and there is a reason for this as well. That reason is still to be discovered! I will do my best to be patient but I joyfully look forward to finding out what it is!
It is important to understand that I am not seeking to “place blame”, for there is no place for that in our lives. Just coming to terms with these hidden issues, and releasing them, is all that is necessary. And I have done that completely…feeling light and at peace with myself and everyone else connected with these issues. It is a true blessing!
There will be one more post with a truly lovely dream which reflects this final cleansing on all levels, but will leave that for a separate post.
Love
Jane
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